By Birgit Rohm www.mediocoaching.com
Thus far we have explored the first three pillars of connection, acknowledgment, and self-care. Now we move into the fourth pillar, control.
Control: To know what is good for me, I also need to know Who and What is not good for me. That means we have to know how to set boundaries. Time – and Energy Management are key. If we have mastered this, things that we don’t enjoy but must do are also easier. We know it is temporary and can adapt to it. A little bit of control remains in every situation to do good – the famous silver lining. We just have to become our own silver-lining-expert. Another control helps us here, the choice of our perspective. How we view people or situations. We have the choice to look at things negatively or positively, to see the good or the bad. Are we critical and judgmental or are we open and interested in the reason for a situation or behavior? Are we also ready to take responsibility for ourselves? We are humans and humans make mistakes. The feeling of having made a mistake doesn’t feel good; it passes if we allow it to do so. Defining the problem and being interested in a solution versus spending time on the question of guilt saves a lot of stress and energy. A focus on solutions helps to avoid many sources of conflict in companies and families.
Why is a No as a boundary sometimes not respected?
What is important with No is the intention with which No is deposited. Is it a No with a question mark, according to the motto, do you still like me? Or is it a No because the outside world expects it from me? Or is it a No that comes with conviction and an explanation? That makes the difference whether our No is accepted or not. The intention is reflected in the tone, i.e. the No in the first two cases has no effect on the person at the receiving end. This becomes very clear with children and employees. The other extreme, playing out power, is also not the way. According to the motto, because I say so, that creates conflict. Your own conviction and the factual explanation are decisive. The compassion that is thus maintained strengthens the connection, whether in private or professional life.
Control has many facets, it is important to know what I have control over and what I do not have control over. Control provides stability. It’s like the lines on the street, when they suddenly stop, we feel insecure for a short time.